[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
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This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Harsh but fair