[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
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Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no