*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
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Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.