Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
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FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
i meant to share this earlier
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.