i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
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My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*