a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
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[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.