Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
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Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
i love meeting boys on tinder
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”