Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
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Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.