you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
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Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Not today.. 😂
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.