[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
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Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”