I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
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Owl Sanctuary
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Admin smashed it 😂
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*