Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
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Happy thanksgiving
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I like long walks away from everyone
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare