asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
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Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Saturday
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans