(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
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You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*