ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
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I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Sticker placement is key.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
twitter is a journey
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
The best shot in the history of golf