Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
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We need more people like this.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
The happy life.. 😊
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Not today. 😅
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.