Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
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nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
sugar glider wrangler
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.