“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
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Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park