A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
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My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Truth
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.