The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
You Might Also Like
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”