The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
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*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
No selfies while hijacking a train.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!