people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
You Might Also Like
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him