“No way.” -Jose
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I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Is this you?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
CRYING
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood