It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
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Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.