*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
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My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.