Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
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Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.