I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
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I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Actually cracking up @ this
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*