[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
You Might Also Like
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
We need to put an American base on the sun
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
nyc: