“What movie?” 🤔
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I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
#SuperBowl
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I miss this era type of pranks😭
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.