Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
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I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes