Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
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People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident