Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
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cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.