Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
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“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Every. Damn. Time.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.