“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
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ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
The fall of Netflix
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))