Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
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I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds