After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
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Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Just had my nails done!
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.