let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
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THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
When libraries troll their patrons.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495