*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
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Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?