if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
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13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
the three genders
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
dream blunt rotation
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?