Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
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Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I am laughing way too hard at this.