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When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.