wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
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“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.