You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
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Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
peak technology
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?