My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
You Might Also Like
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Why is everyone getting married at me
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
So glad we cleared that up
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.