Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
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Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
handsome & gretel
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood