I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?