A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
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I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
When you “pspspsp” too hard
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Me too
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Perfection.