If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
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Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”