♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
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The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*