NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
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Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
tell em, edith-anne
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.